Jan. 16th, 2014

etben: flowers and sky (rl: yes but wait what)
so for reasons that do not need any goddamn exploring, I just backread, um, the first two years of my LJ? (Which, ahahahahahaha oh god, bb!self, you were SO TRANSPARENT about SO MANY THINGS.) Whatever, it's been grand, I found the first comment [livejournal.com profile] soundslikej ever left me, n'awwwww.

And, like, whatever, hop on the 2:02 bus down Nostalgia Lane - but what really struck me was that all of the stuff I was dealing with then? It's the same stuff I'm dealing with now, in slightly different window dressing. I worry about being Enough, about Accomplishing Things; I remain (moderately) convinced that I have no worth except in the things I do, and therefore (sort of) believe that I don't deserve good things unless I am doing something good myself. Which - there's a level on which that is super upsetting and sad, I guess - I will always be like this! I will never get better! - but at the same time, idk, somehow it's a little comforting? Like, yeah, this will always be my tendency, and I'll live with it, and that will be fine. I will always be short and chubby and nearsighted and sarcastic and striving to be kinder and more patient with myself. There are worse things to be!

I was trying to articulate this to J, which led to the following conversation:

M: Like, this was the fight I was having with myself at 19, and this will be the fight I will be having with myself at 90.
J: Yup!
M: I'm just saying, when it comes time for me to retire, you had better fucking brace yourself, because I am going to be an actual human disaster. Like, I'll be asleep for the first week, and then I'll spend the second week reading, and then the third week I will be a fucking nightmare.
J: So, like every August ever, then?
M: ...shut up.
J: And, like - why would I want to make you retire, anyways?
M: ...because old?
J: Right, okay, so you'll stop working, but you'll immediately start volunteering at, like, six different places.
M: ...yes.
J: I have met you, you know.

I am marrying a pretty A+ human being, internet. In case you weren't aware. ♥

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etben

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