etben: flowers and sky (rl: yes but wait what)
so for reasons that do not need any goddamn exploring, I just backread, um, the first two years of my LJ? (Which, ahahahahahaha oh god, bb!self, you were SO TRANSPARENT about SO MANY THINGS.) Whatever, it's been grand, I found the first comment [ profile] soundslikej ever left me, n'awwwww.

And, like, whatever, hop on the 2:02 bus down Nostalgia Lane - but what really struck me was that all of the stuff I was dealing with then? It's the same stuff I'm dealing with now, in slightly different window dressing. I worry about being Enough, about Accomplishing Things; I remain (moderately) convinced that I have no worth except in the things I do, and therefore (sort of) believe that I don't deserve good things unless I am doing something good myself. Which - there's a level on which that is super upsetting and sad, I guess - I will always be like this! I will never get better! - but at the same time, idk, somehow it's a little comforting? Like, yeah, this will always be my tendency, and I'll live with it, and that will be fine. I will always be short and chubby and nearsighted and sarcastic and striving to be kinder and more patient with myself. There are worse things to be!

I was trying to articulate this to J, which led to the following conversation:

M: Like, this was the fight I was having with myself at 19, and this will be the fight I will be having with myself at 90.
J: Yup!
M: I'm just saying, when it comes time for me to retire, you had better fucking brace yourself, because I am going to be an actual human disaster. Like, I'll be asleep for the first week, and then I'll spend the second week reading, and then the third week I will be a fucking nightmare.
J: So, like every August ever, then?
M: ...shut up.
J: And, like - why would I want to make you retire, anyways?
M: ...because old?
J: Right, okay, so you'll stop working, but you'll immediately start volunteering at, like, six different places.
M: ...yes.
J: I have met you, you know.

I am marrying a pretty A+ human being, internet. In case you weren't aware. ♥
etben: flowers and sky (rl: yes but wait what)

Honestly, I do feel bad for everybody who's trying to negotiate Boston traffic, torrential rain, and a Red Sox home game, all while driving a U-Haul...but mostly I feel smug as actual fuck. Whatever, I'll get my comeuppance the next time we move, I'm sure.

HEY LIVEJOURNAL WHAT ARE THE HAPS? I am TWO DAYS OUT from beginning my second year as a full-time teacher; I am both more and less terrified than I was this time a year ago. Mostly less terrified, honestly, because, hey: I have done this before! I don't know everything I want to - I probably don't even know everything I need to - but I at least know how to post attendance and who to email about my keys! PLUS I am not developing three entire courses entirely from scratch, this year, so I have way more material to work from.

On the other hand, I'm developing a split-level junior/senior class entirely from scratch and with no textbook, so there's that. On the OTHER other hand, I don't have a study hall anymore, quite possibly because somebody in the administration looked at my schedule and said, "um, or maybe we could NOT make her cry?"

WHAT ELSE. I finally paid off my library fines, so I can get free books again! And of course I am trapped in a terrible Mercedes Lackey series - I thought it was a trilogy but it turns out it is a QUINTET, what the fuck, ML, why would you do that to me? But I also have other books I am reading, and I am trying to get into the swing of using my GoodReads account to track things / find things. You should add me!

UM, STUFF. I stopped watching Teen Woof over the summer, because busy, and now I am too dispirited by everything I've seen about it on tumblr to keep going. I'm enjoying the everloving fuck out of Welcome To Night Vale, which is creepy and delightful. I'm wicked excited for the new Toby Daye book, even though it comes out on the first day of school and I'll probably never have time to read it. I tripped and fell and watched a whole bunch of American Ninja Warrior last week, which is oddly soothing. Oh yeah and I BOUGHT NEW BRAS, omg, my boobs look amazeballs.



etben: flowers and sky (Default)

October 2015



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