halp?

[etben]

guys, I'm doing my prag homework, and I swear to god that one of the assumptions the professor wants us to start with is just not true. SO. I am asking you! You don't need to know anything about pragmatics or about linguistics to answer this, I swear - y'all speak English, and that's enough. I really just want to know what your instincts are about these sentences, to see whether or not I am at all right.

Ready? OKAY!

ETA: for the sake of argument, assume you're the person saying these sentences.

ETA2: feel free to justify yourselves in the comments! I am in need of as much information as I can get.

[Poll #1087677]