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"queer"
This entry has been brewing for a very long while, and I still don't think I'm saying everything I mean to say, or saying the things I do say in entirely the right way - but I've been chasing this same set of ideas around my brain for long enough, at this point, that it seems worth it to grab the nearest trailing end and try to unravel it all.
First, though, two notes:
I do not want wank. I am all about discussion, because it's fun and interesting and Good For You (and Me) - but this is first and foremost a collection of my views, as informed by my life and experiences. It's my soft underbelly, friends – so, you know, disagree all you like, but mind the entrails.
I am not, nor have I ever been, an expert on sexuality. There are people who are! They are probably much smarter and better-informed than I am! And I feel like I'm reinventing the wheel, with this - but I also feel that, on these kinds of issues, we all have to come up with our own wheels, because these are so much questions of the individual and of identity. So, you know. Bear with me.
Good? Good.
Hi, livejournal! I've been thinking about "queer" recently, and what it means as a word in the world, and what it means to me specifically (and how those two are and aren't the same thing).
Because, okay, start here - when I self-identify, I like the word "queer" a lot more than I like other words, most of the time. "Bisexual" is good for some purposes - mostly of the 'are you potentially sexually interested in me?' type - but not all, and it's not where my brain goes most comfortably.
And I had a conversation with my dad, at one point relatively soon after I'd come out to him, where he was - trying to get a grip on the whole "bisexuality" thing, and on issues of sexuality in general. One of the things he brought up was LGBTQ - specifically, he asked me, what does the Q mean? and I said, Queer, dad, and he said, well, but why isn't it just Q, then? doesn't Q cover it all?
I was kind of flummoxed, because the thing is - yes! but also no. Q, meaning queer - for me - covers all of those, but also says something more, something about how you maybe don't fit into an established category, and how that's okay.
[Sometimes, too, Q stands for Questioning (depending on who you ask) - and that's also a good point, that you don't figure it all out like manna from heaven, that you have to work it out your own damn self, working from twelve dozen contradictory maps (like with most of the interesting questions of human existence, I guess). That's one that resonates slightly less, with me, because - I guess because questioning implies (in my brain) that there is An Answer, and that you will ultimately Figure It Out, and it is one of the established categories.
...my brain is not always the best place to look for a straightforward answer.]
This is a huge part of why I love the bands of bandom - specifically, MCR. I'm not going to go into detail, here, because A) it's been done before and B) this is not that meta - but they're a band that has chosen to send a message of ambiguity and uncertainty, a band that is deliberately choosing to tell their teenage fans, hey, you don't know what box you go in? that's okay! who needs boxes, anyway?. And for that, along with a number of other things, I love them.
And I also think that that sense of a continuum, of there not being One Right Answer, is hugely important in terms of allowing for change - in understanding that sexuality is fluid, not only across a community but also across an individual's life, you know? Like - if I identify as straight my entire life, and then suddenly meet an amazing girl and fall head over heels in love and we fuck each other senseless, does that mean I wasn't straight before? does it mean I was lying?
[This is also important for understanding and appreciating bisexuality! because, no, I don't "switch sides" - and I'm not more queer now, dating and in love with a woman, than I was two years ago, when I was head over heels for my best male friend.]
What it boils down to, for me, is that sexuality is valid. All of it. Always. What you like, what you want, what you are - that's right. You are right.
Linguistics babble: pretty much every time, historically, someone has made some sort of Grand Pronouncement about how Languages Never Do That, someone else pops out to say, well, um, yes! they do! And whenever someone tries to say, well, fine, but Languages Always _____, there's some data around to say that they don't, actually.
Which – that's pretty true of anything that has people involved, really. I kind of want it on a t-shirt: Human Beings Do That! (But Not All Of Them, And Not All Of The Time) Human experience is dizzyingly varied, and no part of that experience is more valid than any other part of it.
There's a few lines from Walt Whitman's Song of Myself that haunt my brain; they are as follows:
Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large; I contain multitudes)
That, to me, is the whole point – people don't make sense, as individuals or as a collective. And that's okay! We contain multitudes.
That is Part One of what "queer" means to me – accepting everybody, no matter what they are or aren't interested in, and accepting that not everybody knows what they want, or will always know what they want. Ready for Part Two? OKAY THEN.
The other part has to do with the specific social overtones of the word, because queer, for me (and for a lot of other people), has a very strong sense of the transgressive attached to it. For me specifically, it's got a lot to do with pushing boundaries, with being something more or other than what people expect from you. In my brain, somehow - and your mileage can and should vary - gay/straight/lesbian/bisexual is who you fuck, or possibly who you are (or might be) attracted to. Queer means - how you present yourself? it has some sense of - of being out there, of letting people know.
BUT, at the same time, that runs into the issues of comfort zones and individual situations, and it gets complicated. Because, like - I don't think that everybody has to be out. Or, no - it would be awesome if everybody in the world were open about their sexuality! but some people can't, for reasons of their living or work situation - and some people just don't want to, because they don't feel that's something that everybody needs to know about them.
And I think it's massively important to respect that, because I was one of those people - in some regards I still am. I grew up in this absurdly progressive and supportive environment, with no sense that I would ever be judged for my sexuality, or for questioning my sexuality. And it still took me years to mention to anyone that I might, maybe, be something other than straight, just because I...didn't really want to talk about it. I knew what I knew (which, for a while, wasn't very much), and I didn't see any real reason for other people to know.
Do I think that was kind of stupid, in retrospect? Sure. Would my life have been simpler if, in high school, I'd been willing to bite the bullet and tell people I liked girls, too? Probably, yeah. Do I want to see people in my situation made to feel uncomfortable because of it? No. Really, really no.
People have comfort zones, and everybody's comfort zones are differently shaped and situated, and you are the person who decides how much and in what ways to push yourself. Nobody else gets to make that decision.
And, yes, there are absolutely people out there who would probably benefit from more pushing - hell, I'm one of them! but that doesn't mean that you get to push me, or that I get to push you, or that any one of us gets to push that dude over there. Basically, I believe in the right of the individual to be sheltered, even when it's not necessarily good for them.
[Partly, that's probably because I am an optimist, and so I believe that people tend to figure out all of the important stuff eventually, and they'll do so in their own time and their own way. It doesn't always work that way - but, for me, it's really important to act as though it will. We have to believe that people can get it (whatever it is) on their own, and that they will, because otherwise - I don't know. If you don't trust people to thrive or fail on their own terms, are you really treating them as people?
(this, of course, does not keep me from wanting to hit people with the CLUE STICK. because I want that! really a lot! ...but I don't think I'd actually take it if I could get it.)]
So, like - if you're OUT AND PROUD, that's great - if nobody knows but you, that's also great, and just as valid.
Because the idea of "queer cred" - the idea that you can't be queer if you're not out to everybody and their Aunt Sally - is immensely distressing/frustrating/GRR ARGH NO to me. Like - if the only people who are "allowed" to talk about queer issues are the people who are out to everybody they know, it shuts a lot of people out of the discussion, which never leads to anything good.
This, of course is also related in some ways to the recent bandomwank discussions, and to all of the talk about appropriation that went on at that time - because I seriously do think that straight people can speak to queer issues, and that there is no "you must be at least THIS QUEER to speak out" yardstick.
...I also think the idea of being more or less queer is basically bullshit, though. Like - I am what I am, and I do things in my own way, and your yardstick of queer is not going to tell you very much about me at all. Similarly, it's hard for me to know "how queer" you are, since you have your own story and your own considerations, and you're only sometimes going to be doing things for the same reasons I would.
The point, though, is that restricting the discussion of these kinds of questions to people who are "queer enough" is not helpful, and is even counterproductive, since it excludes people who may well have a lot of useful things to say. Take me again! I was raised by a bunch of freakjob liberals, in a freakjob liberal town, and I came out to a general chorus of, "okay! yay figuring things out!" - does that mean that I'm not allowed to talk about homophobia and prejudice? (...if it does, boy am I screwed.)
One of the first modern linguists, Saussure, talks about three things, when he's trying to define Language - it's hard to translate, but it breaks down to capital-L-Language, small-l-language, and Speech. Basically, Language is whatever is in our brains, the structure and the ability to communicate ideas with articulated and arbitrary symbols. Then, on a different level, languages are what we use within our various communities, French or English or ASL or Arabic. Speech, in the end, is the gobbledegook that actually comes out of our mouths.
And so - I guess in my brain, there are two kinds of Queer. There's Queer, the idea - which boils down to being transgressive in some way. At the same time, there's also queer, the way you express it individually. For me, that's a certain way of dressing and acting, it's the way I respond to questions about my love life, it's snuggling girls in public and (to some extent) it's writing gay porn on the internets. And a whole lot of us are Queer, but we express that in different small-q-queer ways.
I'm preaching to the choir with this, I know – and I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything, with the possible exception of myself. Just – if we can accept all sexualities, we need to also accept all kinds of queer – all of the different ways that people have of expressing and identifying themselves in this world.
First, though, two notes:
I do not want wank. I am all about discussion, because it's fun and interesting and Good For You (and Me) - but this is first and foremost a collection of my views, as informed by my life and experiences. It's my soft underbelly, friends – so, you know, disagree all you like, but mind the entrails.
I am not, nor have I ever been, an expert on sexuality. There are people who are! They are probably much smarter and better-informed than I am! And I feel like I'm reinventing the wheel, with this - but I also feel that, on these kinds of issues, we all have to come up with our own wheels, because these are so much questions of the individual and of identity. So, you know. Bear with me.
Good? Good.
Hi, livejournal! I've been thinking about "queer" recently, and what it means as a word in the world, and what it means to me specifically (and how those two are and aren't the same thing).
Because, okay, start here - when I self-identify, I like the word "queer" a lot more than I like other words, most of the time. "Bisexual" is good for some purposes - mostly of the 'are you potentially sexually interested in me?' type - but not all, and it's not where my brain goes most comfortably.
And I had a conversation with my dad, at one point relatively soon after I'd come out to him, where he was - trying to get a grip on the whole "bisexuality" thing, and on issues of sexuality in general. One of the things he brought up was LGBTQ - specifically, he asked me, what does the Q mean? and I said, Queer, dad, and he said, well, but why isn't it just Q, then? doesn't Q cover it all?
I was kind of flummoxed, because the thing is - yes! but also no. Q, meaning queer - for me - covers all of those, but also says something more, something about how you maybe don't fit into an established category, and how that's okay.
[Sometimes, too, Q stands for Questioning (depending on who you ask) - and that's also a good point, that you don't figure it all out like manna from heaven, that you have to work it out your own damn self, working from twelve dozen contradictory maps (like with most of the interesting questions of human existence, I guess). That's one that resonates slightly less, with me, because - I guess because questioning implies (in my brain) that there is An Answer, and that you will ultimately Figure It Out, and it is one of the established categories.
...my brain is not always the best place to look for a straightforward answer.]
This is a huge part of why I love the bands of bandom - specifically, MCR. I'm not going to go into detail, here, because A) it's been done before and B) this is not that meta - but they're a band that has chosen to send a message of ambiguity and uncertainty, a band that is deliberately choosing to tell their teenage fans, hey, you don't know what box you go in? that's okay! who needs boxes, anyway?. And for that, along with a number of other things, I love them.
And I also think that that sense of a continuum, of there not being One Right Answer, is hugely important in terms of allowing for change - in understanding that sexuality is fluid, not only across a community but also across an individual's life, you know? Like - if I identify as straight my entire life, and then suddenly meet an amazing girl and fall head over heels in love and we fuck each other senseless, does that mean I wasn't straight before? does it mean I was lying?
[This is also important for understanding and appreciating bisexuality! because, no, I don't "switch sides" - and I'm not more queer now, dating and in love with a woman, than I was two years ago, when I was head over heels for my best male friend.]
What it boils down to, for me, is that sexuality is valid. All of it. Always. What you like, what you want, what you are - that's right. You are right.
Linguistics babble: pretty much every time, historically, someone has made some sort of Grand Pronouncement about how Languages Never Do That, someone else pops out to say, well, um, yes! they do! And whenever someone tries to say, well, fine, but Languages Always _____, there's some data around to say that they don't, actually.
Which – that's pretty true of anything that has people involved, really. I kind of want it on a t-shirt: Human Beings Do That! (But Not All Of Them, And Not All Of The Time) Human experience is dizzyingly varied, and no part of that experience is more valid than any other part of it.
There's a few lines from Walt Whitman's Song of Myself that haunt my brain; they are as follows:
Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large; I contain multitudes)
That, to me, is the whole point – people don't make sense, as individuals or as a collective. And that's okay! We contain multitudes.
That is Part One of what "queer" means to me – accepting everybody, no matter what they are or aren't interested in, and accepting that not everybody knows what they want, or will always know what they want. Ready for Part Two? OKAY THEN.
The other part has to do with the specific social overtones of the word, because queer, for me (and for a lot of other people), has a very strong sense of the transgressive attached to it. For me specifically, it's got a lot to do with pushing boundaries, with being something more or other than what people expect from you. In my brain, somehow - and your mileage can and should vary - gay/straight/lesbian/bisexual is who you fuck, or possibly who you are (or might be) attracted to. Queer means - how you present yourself? it has some sense of - of being out there, of letting people know.
BUT, at the same time, that runs into the issues of comfort zones and individual situations, and it gets complicated. Because, like - I don't think that everybody has to be out. Or, no - it would be awesome if everybody in the world were open about their sexuality! but some people can't, for reasons of their living or work situation - and some people just don't want to, because they don't feel that's something that everybody needs to know about them.
And I think it's massively important to respect that, because I was one of those people - in some regards I still am. I grew up in this absurdly progressive and supportive environment, with no sense that I would ever be judged for my sexuality, or for questioning my sexuality. And it still took me years to mention to anyone that I might, maybe, be something other than straight, just because I...didn't really want to talk about it. I knew what I knew (which, for a while, wasn't very much), and I didn't see any real reason for other people to know.
Do I think that was kind of stupid, in retrospect? Sure. Would my life have been simpler if, in high school, I'd been willing to bite the bullet and tell people I liked girls, too? Probably, yeah. Do I want to see people in my situation made to feel uncomfortable because of it? No. Really, really no.
People have comfort zones, and everybody's comfort zones are differently shaped and situated, and you are the person who decides how much and in what ways to push yourself. Nobody else gets to make that decision.
And, yes, there are absolutely people out there who would probably benefit from more pushing - hell, I'm one of them! but that doesn't mean that you get to push me, or that I get to push you, or that any one of us gets to push that dude over there. Basically, I believe in the right of the individual to be sheltered, even when it's not necessarily good for them.
[Partly, that's probably because I am an optimist, and so I believe that people tend to figure out all of the important stuff eventually, and they'll do so in their own time and their own way. It doesn't always work that way - but, for me, it's really important to act as though it will. We have to believe that people can get it (whatever it is) on their own, and that they will, because otherwise - I don't know. If you don't trust people to thrive or fail on their own terms, are you really treating them as people?
(this, of course, does not keep me from wanting to hit people with the CLUE STICK. because I want that! really a lot! ...but I don't think I'd actually take it if I could get it.)]
So, like - if you're OUT AND PROUD, that's great - if nobody knows but you, that's also great, and just as valid.
Because the idea of "queer cred" - the idea that you can't be queer if you're not out to everybody and their Aunt Sally - is immensely distressing/frustrating/GRR ARGH NO to me. Like - if the only people who are "allowed" to talk about queer issues are the people who are out to everybody they know, it shuts a lot of people out of the discussion, which never leads to anything good.
This, of course is also related in some ways to the recent bandom
...I also think the idea of being more or less queer is basically bullshit, though. Like - I am what I am, and I do things in my own way, and your yardstick of queer is not going to tell you very much about me at all. Similarly, it's hard for me to know "how queer" you are, since you have your own story and your own considerations, and you're only sometimes going to be doing things for the same reasons I would.
The point, though, is that restricting the discussion of these kinds of questions to people who are "queer enough" is not helpful, and is even counterproductive, since it excludes people who may well have a lot of useful things to say. Take me again! I was raised by a bunch of freakjob liberals, in a freakjob liberal town, and I came out to a general chorus of, "okay! yay figuring things out!" - does that mean that I'm not allowed to talk about homophobia and prejudice? (...if it does, boy am I screwed.)
One of the first modern linguists, Saussure, talks about three things, when he's trying to define Language - it's hard to translate, but it breaks down to capital-L-Language, small-l-language, and Speech. Basically, Language is whatever is in our brains, the structure and the ability to communicate ideas with articulated and arbitrary symbols. Then, on a different level, languages are what we use within our various communities, French or English or ASL or Arabic. Speech, in the end, is the gobbledegook that actually comes out of our mouths.
And so - I guess in my brain, there are two kinds of Queer. There's Queer, the idea - which boils down to being transgressive in some way. At the same time, there's also queer, the way you express it individually. For me, that's a certain way of dressing and acting, it's the way I respond to questions about my love life, it's snuggling girls in public and (to some extent) it's writing gay porn on the internets. And a whole lot of us are Queer, but we express that in different small-q-queer ways.
I'm preaching to the choir with this, I know – and I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything, with the possible exception of myself. Just – if we can accept all sexualities, we need to also accept all kinds of queer – all of the different ways that people have of expressing and identifying themselves in this world.